It creeps up out of nowhere. Unseen it flows into your mind and your body. It found its way in the early morning hours when you wanted and needed to sleep longer. And your child, although so very cute, poked a finger in your eye. Love floods into your heart by seeing your child’s smile and cute morning hair.
But there’s also something else present, a pinch in your stomach, a bit of resentment or frustration perhaps.
But you don’t want it there, because you realise how unfair it is towards your loving child or towards people who can’t have children. Or towards the millions of people in situations so much worse.
So instead you sigh…and push it back to where it came from. With a bright smile you say: ‘good morning my sweetheart’.
But it doesn’t go away. Even after a coffee, a shower and some sunshine, this feeling is still pounding in your throat.
And your child can feel it. You are – oh so subtle- a little bit rougher, a little irritated. And because of this, your child comes to you often to ensure it is still loved. You give her kisses and caress her head to let her know you love her, but you are not really feeling it.
A layer of guilt is added, because you want to be more loving and present, but you can’t. There’s no way you can see how. And because of the guilt, you give in to way too many things. And you spend your whole morning reading books with your child on your lap. You desperately want the whining to stop, so that you can have one minute to yourself.
And you know that you should set some limits, but you don’t know how to set them right now. Because then she would cry and that would make you feel more guilty. And you already pity her because you are so absent and because she didn’t sleep much last night and you just don’t want to feel any worse. And you read and hear all the time about self love and self care practices but there’s no space in your mind to even think of something you could do.
And in the end: You have no right to complain anyway, because you have this unbelievably beautiful and healthy child, a loving relationship and food on the table. So you just get on with your day.
Sounds familiar? This was my morning. And to be honest, these are many of my mornings lately.
And today I want to talk about some steps that we can take, to turn these days around or make them just a little bit easier!
The first thing I like to do and that I think is absolutely necessary is to STOP.
To stop the flow of whatever we are doing and FEEL. If we skip this part, we will just continue on autopilot and never look at what is really going on. And if we don’t stop, this frustration will just build up, for days in a row. Untill we break, or burst or pick fights with our loved ones.
So step one is to stop and feel. To become really curious about our inner world and OBSERVE what is going on there.
Feel it, with eyes open or closed and simply acknowledge whatever feeling is there. No judging.
Step two is to become aware of your thinking.
What kind of solutions does your mind bring to the table?
Very often, thoughts that arise out of ‘negative’ feelings are not very helpful. The mind thinks of short term solutions because all it wants is to get rid of the feelings and return to peace. It wants to blame and point the finger, to punish and yell.
And this is precisely how children (including ourselves ) have been treated for thousands of years.
And I don’t know about you, but I want that to end with me.
It takes a truly mature adult to observe these tendencies of the mind and not act on them. To take full responsibility of any feelings that are felt and not act them out.
And of course we don’t leave it at that. Becoming aware is just the beginning.
After having become aware of our inner world and our clumsy cry for help,
we ask ourselves ‘what do I need right now?’
It is very likely that when you are still, a very soft and gentle answer rises up from within to let you know exactly what it is that you need. It comes fast, without warning. And you don’t need to think about it longer, or put it on a shelf for later.
Very often it will be something like: ‘I need space’. Or: ‘I am feeling so angry, I need to move my body’. Or: ‘I need to ground myself in nature’. Or: I need to close my eyes for some time’. Or: ‘I need to have some fun!’. Or: ‘I really need to listen to some music!’
These whispers are true. You can trust them.
And the next step is to implement them as soon as you can. Drop everything else if possible (the laundry, the dishes, maybe even an appointment). Ask for help if you can, but if it has to be you who takes care of your child the whole day, you HAVE to find creative ways to implement that which YOU need.
I am going to give some examples at the end of this blog.
We all know this already, but your child needs you to take good care of yourself.
Especially in these times, where we are isolated, the future feels more unknown than ever and on top of that we carry the huge responsibility of parenthood on our shoulders.
I will end this blog with some examples of what we can you to regulate our nervous systems when we have a child to take care of alone.
Have a crazy dance party together on music of YOUR choice and go ALL in.
Go to the playground and take your shoes and socks off. Bare feet on ground.
Take your phone and tell it all your worries and complaints. Record if you like. Go all in.
Reach out to a loved one and ask to be listened to
Reach out for help
Take a ride and sing out loud in the car together
Set up a yoga or work out space and dedicate 10–20 minutes to it. Incorporate your child if you have to.
Lastly there’s always a show or movie that your child can watch while you take a breath.
If you are really struggling, please know that you are not alone and please reach out for help and tell someone you are not 'fine'. It's ok not to be fine.
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