'It was difficult wasn't it sweety, that you weren't able to nurse anymore.
'Yes, but mama was there to comfort me'
It's January 2023. My daughter is almost turning 3. I entered this new year differently: There's a freshness to this year. A knowing that it will be a good one, full of new opportunities. There's a determination in me to make this business work. I feel full of excitement. And yet there's a tiredness in me, and exhaustion that hits me around midday and that I can't seem to change no matter how much I rest or how healthy I eat. I know I need to take care of myself. I feel it is time to fully night wean my daughter. There's no way I can go on with it. Lately she has been nursing a lot in the night, not that I think there's still much milk left, but she loves to be in close contact to me that way. And frankly I do to. I love to have her so close, with her head in my armpit and her arm on my belly. I sometimes think I need it as much as she does. But as much as I love it, it is time for me to sleep again. To sleep deeply and longer than 3-4 hour stretches. As a baby sleep expert I know that there's no guarantee that she will wake up less frequently when fully weaned, in fact it is likely that she will still wake up to look for me since all she's ever known about sleeping at night is that my body is close. I'm hoping that a cuddle will be enough for her to fall back asleep.
The first time I tried to night wean her was when she was around 18 months old. I thought that that summer I would do it. But it turned out that I wasn't ready and neither was she. She was so upset. Her body would shake and she would almost vomit as I was comforting her and holding her. I remember wanting someone to tell me it was ok to stop weaning. I had to learn that I was that person. That I was the only one who could make that decision. I could have held the boundary but everything in my body and mind told me that it wasn't yet time. And so I listened. We tried weaning another time, around 2.5 years old, but we still weren't ready. Here's the thing about making changes with our little ones: There's no one who could tell you what your boundaries are and what is right or wrong for YOUR child. Every child's temperament is different and so will be their response to changes. YOU know your child best, so it's very imporant that you follow your intuition when it comes to changing any habits. Around her 2nd birthday I tried to wean her from the twiddling she was doing with her other hand. Right at that time she was going through the 24 months sleep progression and I noticed the twiddling would help her fall asleep twice as fast so we continued doing that. A few months later, I started the weaning from the twiddling again and was able to hold the boundary because I was sure to be done with it. Here we are now, another 9 months later and she still searches for my breast with her other hand. It seems to be a long process and a very instinctual urge; the twiddling gives her comfort and the stimulation makes sure my milk supply stays up.
A few nights ago we started weaning all the wake ups before 11 pm. Since she and I are so used to breastfeeding every wake up, I want to take this process respectfully and slowly. I love to have the time boundary and try my best to hold myself to it. As we move through the process I will set the time later and later untill all wake-ups are weaned.
I prepared my daughter a few days ahead and told her what the plan is. I let her choose a jingle that goes off around 11 pm. She probably won't hear the jingle as she will be sleeping, but still I think it gave her a sense of control and contribution.
The first night she woke up before 11 pm and I told her the jingle hadn't played yet. She was quite upset for about 10-15 minutes and I was able to hold the boundary and comfort her. As she was crying and screaming I told her:
'It is very difficult not to be able to drink now. (to which she said: Yes) I understand. It's ok to be sad about that, or angry. I'm here for you. I love you so much.
As she understood that she wasn't going to nurse at that point, she held her face close to mine and I told her that we are in this together and that I will be there for her. She would then fall asleep while still crying in her sleep a bit every now and then. As her breath calmed down I cuddled her for a bit and went back to the living room.
Some sleep 'experts' advice to withhold eyecontact with our little ones when we are 'training them to sleep' and I can't help to think how strange that actually is. All day long we are there for them, when they are hungry, when they are sad, when they hurt themselves. And right when they are going through a huge life transition and are understandably very upset about it, we leave them alone. In fact, we don't even dare to look at them because we feel too guilty for what we are doing.
I think we should shower our little ones with love, kisses and care while going through their emotions. We should move CLOSER and be the responsible adults that we should be. And there's a beautiful thing my daughter told me the following day as we talked about what happened the night before. I said to her: 'It was difficult for you wasn't it sweety, that you were not able to nurse anymore.' And she said: 'Yes. But mama was there to comfort me'.
THIS is all I needed to know. Our children are resilient, they can move through big feelings as long as WE are there. The comfort and calm we give them in these situations is all they need.
There will be a part 2 to this blog, so make sure to watch this space!:)
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I work from a holistic approach, to me, the way a baby sleeps is the natural consequence of many other factors. I do not believe in any sleep training or cry-it-out. I do not believe a child can be trained to soothe itself. I believe that something that goes so much against a mother's intuition cannot ever be the right approach.
I do know, however know that sometimes patterns need to be changed because of our own mental wellbeing. I am very much here for changing something that doesn't work. But always with respect towards the baby and mother bond.
I will never advice you to do something that does not feel right with you. I believe YOU are the expert on your child and together we look which factors might need to be worked on, to reach optimal sleep.
If you are also in the process of nightweaning and could use some help in an other area of your baby's sleep, I would love to help you in the process. As you have read in the blog, it is possible to wean just a few feeds, you don't have to completely nightwean at once if that's not what you are looking for. I do not recommend nightweaning for under 12 months old.
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