It wasn’t until becoming a mother myself, that I fully realised the depth of what this means.
Our daughter was born a few days before the very first lockdown in 2020. The day after she was born, we were told by the nurses that our partners were not allowed in the hospital anymore. Not for visits, not even for birth. We felt so lucky that she was already there and left the hospital quickly.
My first year of motherhood concurred exactly with the first year of the pandemic. During the lockdown we delighted in images of schools of dolphins returning to waters of Columbia, birds and fishes feeling comfortable enough to swim in the canals of Venice. And also here, in the mountains of Austria where it is already quiet, a deep silence penetrated the air. The absence of humans was palpable. Huge flocks of birds flew up from the trees, and in me, a deeper understanding came, or maybe even a remembering of what it means to live with respect for nature.
The miracle of life
From conception, through pregnancy, to birth and beyond, all parents are a first hand witness to the miracle of life.
The very first thought I had when I held my daughter to my chest was:
‘this being is to be respected’.
This being, that came to us, that trusts us to care for her. That for some mysterious reason CHOSE us.
This being, that was created by life’s intelligence, the intelligence that all of a sudden felt so close, so palpable, ‘just’ by looking into my daughter’s eyes.
This being (like all beings) is above all, to be respected.
What I saw and felt in my arms was the presence of life itself. In her pure form. The same presence that is there in every living being on the planet. Yes, also in you and in me.
The first months of her life, I was basking in the afterglow of just having given birth to life. It is something so huge and incomprehensible that it is very difficult to put that experience into words. I have never really heard a mother speak about it in detail. This might be because there are not really any words. And I think it is kind of beautiful that way.
What I immediately noticed when I held my baby those first hours, was a very distinguished spirit, with a unique flavour that was tailor made for us.
It could have been any flavour, but it was this one. This very one. This one had to be ours.
How could it possibly be any different? She fitted like a glove.
To respect
The feeling of respect I felt towards my daughter after birth, never left. It is still there.
It is there when I wake up in the morning and she smiles when she sees me.
It is there when I watch her deeply immersed in play, doing things that seemingly make no sense.
It is there when I look into her eyes and SEE her maybe for the first time that day. And all this time she was looking for me to stop and look back at her. She was waiting for just a few moments of real connection.
I will work hard to keep it this way, so that when she is older I will be able to see and respect her, even when she makes decisions that I’m not sure about. I will put effort in seeing through my own projections and all the wishes I put on her. I will stop what I’m doing or thinking to truly see her, no matter how old she is. I will delight in her, in all the ways she grows.
As adults we talk so much about all types of respect. Respect for yourself, respect for others, respect for older people, for people in certain jobs etc.
But somehow, in our narrative, it seems wrong to respect your child. For the child should respect us, isn’t it?
I never forgot what a parent told me a few years back after I had mentioned her children are so wonderful. She said something about how when you as parents are not so nice to your children, your children will turn out very nice. I didn’t feel I had the authority then, but now that I am a mother myself I deeply feel for many children. Is it really our goal to parent children in such a way so that they become NICE and adaptable adults?
How many of us adults are nice and wonderful and socially acceptable, but are lost?
How many of us adults have been taught how to please, but not taught that they themselves matter too?
How many of us adults think we respect someone, but actually deep down fear that person?
How many of us adults have lost that connection to life that was still very present when we were children?
I believe that the first people who model any kind of social relating are the caregivers. And when a child feels deeply respected, right to the core of their being, then they cannot help but return that respect not only to others, but to themselves too.
There are so many ways in which we can respect our children and I cannot wait to write about that very soon.
Till then.
Rose
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